Do you think of yourself as fearless? I used to think I was-when I was very, very drunk. Then I would cling to my “old man”, laughing like a lunatic, as we would race down I-26 at about 120mph on his old shovelhead. Whew…
That is not fearless. That’s just insane.
I was asking God the other day, to let me know what kind of art I should create. He did not suddenly give me skills like Michaelangelo, unfortunately. However, I share the same birthday with that marvelous personage. (Michaelangelo, that is…)
God has remained quiet, and has allowed me to decide what to make. That is why he gave me an imagination. And a drive to put what I see playing on my internal projector out into the real world, for others to see. Sometimes what I choose to show is not pretty, but has some meaning for me. At times my work is mildly odd, at others it can be painful for me to see, because the images or emotions have come from a deep and scary place. This particular type of art can be very therapeutic for me as a survivor; I take the monster out of the box, turn it this way, then that, think on it a bit, maybe beat it up a little, and then put it safely away again.
I feel strong after I do that, because I chose how to interpret the emotion, not the perp.
I saw it thru my lens, from a distance I am comfortable with, and I share what I choose to share. When I am at my bravest, I am not considering what the viewer might think at all. That may sound counter-intuitive , after all, don’t I want to please the viewer? Coax them into buying my art?
Aren’t I actually shooting myself in the foot?
( It really is going to be Allright, Mother…I will not starve…)
I feel like such a big chicken when I create art to please the masses. Well, I don’t have “masses”, how about a ‘mass’. How about a ‘mess’? If messes were my main concern I’d be Uber famous, because I have messes everywhere.
Anyway, I create art because I am an artist. It’s part of me. It’s not a job, it’s my identity, my natural state of being.
Should I paint “safe” so as not to “fail”….
I will create art, that is what I do. As long as I do this , I will always be ‘safe’ in the knowledge that I gave that which I have so graciously been given.
Don’t let fear of failure cause you to fence yourself in. Find a break in that fence, gather your courage and break thru!! When you free yourself from the constraints of creating for someone else, your imagination will soar to great new heights!!
This was one of those paintings that Hurt, as I was painting it… But it had to be done, for my own healing…
Sigh… I’ve been feeling crappy… Really Awful… SICK. It has caused a pause in my production of work. There is this niggling worry, of course, about the big C, CO I mean…VID. I don’t believe this is it, am hoping very strongly that this is not it. The headache is from a sinus infection that seems to always correspond to this changing season. So, I have been fighting, on this front, for about a week.
I rely so much on my little Kleo as a huggable, furry sounding board , having recently experienced the grief of losing her uncle Kiko last month. She became violently ill yesterday, and had to be rushed to the astronomically expensive emergency vet. Five hundred plus dollars and a day later she is stabilized, but I’m not sure I am. The running total on all my credit cards is the highest I’ve ever had, and the gallery I use has been virtual for months. Sales are nil for now, so I feel pressured to create a masterpiece . But I keep falling asleep with my paintbrush for my hand, and abstract ain’t my bag at the moment. Perhaps it should be. I could, in my stupor, lay a blank canvas on the floor by my couch and hold an open paint jar over it while I doze. Perhaps some nice swirly “pour”will result…( This is a JOKE. )
The day before my illness I painted a new canvas, and I feel very pleased with it, even though my freehand jug is rather “interesting”. I do have more works in progress , soon to come to fruition as Kleo Pup and I mend. Yay. I mean, “YAY!!”
Oh, the fun of a downward spiral…After a week or two of just mind blowing energy and creativity, comes the inevitable crash. This time it was about a week of doldrums, pain, negativity and actual physical illness, all of which I attribute to this illness called Bipolar Disorder.
The worst part of a depressive episode, besides dishes and dirty laundry accumulating , and unmade beds and unmopped floors, is this: Lack of Creativity . It cripples me. Makes me agonize about my ability, question my work, my path, my life course. I think of a million different ways I am a failure, and I become totally immobilized, sucked into my squishy pillow, and held captive by doubt. Even though I know what is happening , and know my thoughts are tangled for a time, I am still unable to make a move.
Portals to Peace
I can best liken it to being held hostage, until the cycle passes.
So-here I am today, a new day, a new cycle! We are on the upswing, baby!! Hold on tight, cause I am an artist extraordinaire, a churning swirling dervish holding 10 brushes in one hand while I work on 5 canvases at one time !!!WOO HOO!!!
Another Incredible Tiny Table ready for someones patio!!A little bit of Gallery Wrapped Joy ready for sale!
All in All, I’m just too hot to handle right now, and I’m painting like a human tornado!!! Ok, maybe just a little dust devil, but you get the idea!!! Let it Fly, say I!!!!wheeeee!
Change has come round the bend again…My illness has spit me out of the Doubt Chamber, at least for a time. Yay. Woop Woop. The Bipolar illness, that is…the Excruciating Pain from my other illnesses is ongoing and unending. It is particularly intense today. So my enthusiasm for my self esteem and confidence in my artistic ability returning is a wee bit dampened. Wee bit. Dampened. Squished. (but NOT by the Brahmas, thankfully!)
(Deep intake of breath…deep sigh…) I have been attempting to post some new work and projects for a couple days, and also deeply considering the direction my site will take from now on. Many difficulties with my brain function and memory have plagued me, induced by the severe lack of sleep I experience. In the last 72 hours I have gotten less than 8 hours sleep, and those 8 not in succession. At about 3AM I went round putting knives and hammers away, in the event of my experiencing some kind or break with reality. (not kidding…) As a middle aged, fairly out of shape(!) woman who lives alone in a severely downtrodden area with windows that dont shut, I have tried to become more cautious. Hence the scattering of knives and hammers about the house.
A overly prideful attitude towards my ability as a fighter over my life, and having been into lifting and high-impact aerobics, has left me careless, I must admit. Too much intake of crime documentaries and murderer profiles has caused a big uptick in my worry factor- but I dont want to slip into exessive paranoia, which is easy to do with PTSD, and BPD. So I have been working on improving basic safety around and i my home, setting sensor lights properly and fixing entry points. Good girl Susie….Balance, seeking balance…
As far as my Blog Presence here and on other site, I will take the plunge back into sales of my artwork, being active in keeping up in my creating back stock, advertising it, proper shipping understanding and researching business ownership. one foot in front of the other.
Hopefully I will be back soon to post more positive content!
I’m feeling disgusted with myself. Yet again I have lapsed into the void. The Void that exists inside me, when I feel incapable of creating anything of value. My fellow artists, do you ever come to this vast zone of inability?
Many would tell me that it’s the Bipolar monkey, bouncing up and down on the seesaw of creativity that exists between my ears. Right now I want to “shock the monkey”…(thank you Peter Gabriel)…It seems to be less like a monkey and more like a huge Brahma that has lain down, groaning and farting, on all my art supplies. (warning:EXTREMELY GRAPHIC WORD PICTURE!!!)
The warning should have come before the farting bull. Sorry. NOT.
Oh, the wonderful bucolic images that now dance ’round my imagination. Huge farting cows in pink tu-tu’s daintily dancing hoof to hoof. Hey, maybe I’m onto something! I hear Brahms playing in the background while the Brahma’s cavort! Wait for it… Wait for it….There!!
There are ideas percolating just beneath the surface of my consciousness. They are not fully fleshed out but the juices are flowing and I feel “on the verge” of a breakout work. What is a ‘breakout work’ you ask? Well, I’m asking too, and I believe there is a new direction coming.
ideas under construction…
I have been cleaning and gardening and remodeling while the first flickers have steadily growing in size, ready to flame up when the fully formed idea strikes. So I’m just stoking the fire now, setting my mind free to dream in big color…
my garden calls me , more and more…and I’ve been gathering beloved and beautiful finds and setting them behind the house while this “thing” fleshes out. And it will.
Out of the Gutter Art 
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