Out of the Gutter Art

Category: disability

  • I WONT GIVE UP!

    I WONT GIVE UP!

    Water Lady, doodle 2023
    Me, NOT GIVING UP!!

       It is a NEW DAY.  I had an epiphany of sorts, a dreaded weigh in at my Doc’s, which blindsided me with the astronomical increase in number! I’ll tell you a rather large secret: I’m only 12 pounds away from the HEAVIEST I’ve ever been.

    “Growth” detail of mixed media painting by me, SusanTMartin2019
    Original art, SusanTMartin2026
    “It’s not the dog in the fight, its the FIGHT in the dog!!”…Mark Twain
    “Crossing the Delaware, Well Aware” mixed media in the Permanent collection of the Ryan Licht Sang Bipolar Foundation 2017
    Rock On!

      Almost exactly a year ago I had a total right hip replacement, added to a my other spinal surgeries, catastrophic falls and lifelong intractable pain. I thought I was so healthy- I had lost 40 pounds on Keto, I had energy and was ready (I imagined) for the surgery.

      Holy Toledo! Wrong answer. The recovery was horrific. PAINFUL! COMPLICATIONS, and an idiot Physical therapist who let my leg fall off the table because all my major muscles on that side had been cut. He told me to lay my leg gently to the side, as I was lying on my back, knees bent. He was there to guard and catch it from overextending. Unfortunately, for me, he completely turned away at the exact time. The pain so intense I screamed and nearly fainted. I already had a grade 3 tear on my hamstring on that leg, with a partial avulsion, which in layman’s terms basically means my thigh muscles were nearly cut through and detached from my butt bones. So already excruciating.

      All this is a preface to the fact that I let myself go and tried to eat my way back to health. Ice cream was my private nurse. Self pity my companion. Doom scrolling, couch-potatoe-ing were my favorite firm of entertainment. Nearly a year with minimal effort at physical therapy, and a fall that totally smashed my face right before the hip surgery. I have turned into a train wreck. I do not recognize myself.

    It was a VERY rough year…

       But I am DONE with that.

       NO MORE!!!

      I rejoined Weight Watchers who I used to lose 70 pounds in 2016. Tonight I tracked my meals for the first time. And tomorrow I’m going to sign up at LA fitness gym. I may not get “skinny”, but, damn it, I WILL GET STRONG AGAIN!!

      Thanks for listening! Join me on my journey!!

    Onward and Upward, Matey! (and DOWNWARD weight numbers!!!)

  • Orange Baby

    Orange Baby

    CHAPTER 4

    THE SAGA CONTINUES

    Morning Mindmeld c.SUSANTMARTIN2022 (sold)

         I got off track in the last chapter…  

       Too many offshoots and alleyways. Let’s move along a few years to 2020…Pandemic lock down, I’m working on Zoom with some friends. Suddenly, Donna breaks in with a plea,

    ” Would anyone like a Maine Coon kitten?”

    All the girls pipe up with ooohs! and aaahs! The idea of a warm, fuzzy kitten is SO appealing, so comforting in this lonely isolation. I was down to just one outside cat, Frenchy. She was pushing 16, Fogerty and Ollie had died the year before. In the interim, I had also lost 2 of my beloved dogs to cancer and old age. My remaining little Shih Tzu, Kleo, had become much less active as she aged. Perhaps a kitten would be a nice addition to my little homestead.

       My little “not a Maine Coon” kitten as delivered within 3 days. Super fuzzy, a golden cloud, he is a special boy. I name him Zignatious Horatio Needlefingers, and I fall in love. The new routine wasn’t too bad. One catbox, one kitten, one dog to feed and vet seemed manageable.

       Things rapidly changed. My kind heart was about to be sorely tested. Approximately one month later, I rescued a half-grown boy cat who I found crying his little heart out in my neighbors front hedges. It was after a “fireworks” holiday; he had obviously run away in the horrible onslaught of noise. My biker neighbor had been feeding him lunch meat, but he needed proper care. I bundled him into the house and he quickly became the Zag to my Zig. They were now happy playmates. But the vet bills and catboxes had now doubled.

       WHY DID I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE THE SAVIOR? WHAT CHARACTER DEFECT MADE ME A SUCKER FOR LOST ANIMALS?

      

       Looking back now, I understand the pattern. I had been a mother to my alcoholic, abusive husband. The caregiver for my beloved Mom during her illness- even before. She was so needy all my life, telling me she “lived through me”. Finally, being mother/ caregiver to my dear Dad. Caring for his every need as his madness progressed into a second childhood and excruciatingd death. All those years of caregiving through all those events made me feel needed, wanted, and useful. Loved.

       The convoluted and traumatic relationships and disfunction had left me with a void, a pit inside me. And I was filling it with warm, furry little bodies. Ever the caregiver, ever the mother. My self-worth depended on having people and/or pets to care for. 

       It would get worse.

  • A Message to Myself

    A Message to Myself

    …from a year ago…

     I have been crying again. here, there everywhere. Are these tears sure indicators of a heart? if indeed they are, is it a good one? A kind one? A redeemable one?

     Who knows the answer, but my God. I used to think I knew who I was, I thought of myself at various times as funny, cute, cool. Other times as evil, stupid, ugly. perhaps at the same time

     I just cant find that girl anymore. Perhaps I’m in the Bipolar empty place. the desert I disappear in. Where drifting sand blows over my pale flesh until I cant even find myself. it’s the vacant time that comes when the air is let out of my happy balloon. All the excitement of my recent accomplishments has evaporated, and there is nothing left

    .

     My friend Beverly, who died… she knew when I would come to this place. She was an Air Force Veteran, and she would call me in the morning : “Get up Soldier! Splash some cold water on your face and get over here!” I counted alot on her strength to pull me out of this vapor lock.

    But shes gone, for now.

     I have to find a way out on my own. But then I really already know the way, because she also reminded me that I’m never alone. I always have help. and He is stronger than my heart and knows all things. He reaches down into this dark place to offer me His hand. I dont have to sit here in the dark anymore.

    °Z

     I dont have to be profound, or special. I dont have to be pretty or anything. I just have to trust. He knows me. He knows who I truly am. And He will never abandon me.So I wont give up, or wallow anymore in self pity or loathing. Not now, not tonight. Ok

     I dont have to know my name, or my past, or remember anything except that I belong to God. He sent his perfect Son here to die for me, he loves me THAT MUCH. i know this. And now I feel safe, and loved, and Im not empty nor afraid right now.

     Thank you, Dear God.

  • I Miss My Friend Tonight

    I Miss My Friend Tonight

    This is for You, Beverly…

    My heart hurts.

    I miss your phone calls,

    every morning: 9 am

    Your voice cheerful

    Joking, coaxing me to rise

    To shine-Sleepyhead

    I’m sorry I snapped at you

    Once, maybe twice

    I wish you’d call now.

    I would laugh, and cry

    Happy tears.

    You wanted people to cry

    When you died; it means they love you so

    So I love you so I love you so

    I’d even rub your tiny feet

    And not complain…

    Now you are sleeping

    And you won’t call

    So I will cry, and eat ice cream…

    Because we did that together, you and I

    I will miss you Bevvie Green.

    You are a superstar ❤️

    My Beverly, in Her Favorite Purple Dress

    .

  • A CLEAN SLATE

    A CLEAN SLATE

    oh so WHITE AND SHINY…

    Waiting for my pen, for my brush. I just cant stand the barrenness of it, stretching of into the infinite distance, saying nothing.

    I cant sit in silence either, in a social setting. I would be awful in an interrogation, babbling mindlessly- wait… not mindlessly. I do get chatty, but I always have something to say. The word “mindless” comes from tapes of a past life, a life that included words like “stupid”, “silly”, “crazy” and “dumb”. I am none of those things.

    It is 26 years now since I was physically with my last abuser, 24 years since my last drink, my last drug. I have worked tirelessly these past two and one half decades to become the real person I am today. It is truly a beautiful thing to be alive and in this space.

    I could wax poetic about my own marvelousness, (after all I am pretty cool…) but I would rather talk about you. You, my fellow human, out there wishing and wanting. I know it’s hard being you. I know you have reasons for not trying. put that aside for one moment, and give yourself a chance to succeed.

    I had someone tell me once, I think it was a person in AA, “Do the next right thing”

    THE NEXT RIGHT THING

    It will be the thing that raises your head up. The thing that makes you wipe your tears away. The thing that you do to believe in goodness again, the goodness inside you. You have not wasted time on this journey, that is not possible, because it took everything that came before to be right here, right now.

    I am really surprised that I feel as good as I do. Years upon years of hating myself, hating my life, hating society. I was angry and hard, and reveled in the pain. It was such a lonely place, even though I was surrounded my all kinds of angry people just like me. We all roared and growled together in our ugliness. I never saw myself surviving, never saw a way out. So I never tried. I believed all the lies I was told, I was a loser, a basket case, a burn out.

    I thought I loved my abuser, my “friends”, my family. I thought I was loved in return. But in reality, I had no concept of love. I thought it was possession, ownership. I had so many misconceptions, and they kept me in chains.

    So what changed, what happened that let me get out of that life? A series of events I never saw coming. A prayer answered that I thought I could no longer utter. A forgiveness so vast and profound that I finally felt the love and acceptance I was looking for my entire life. I allowed my God in. I told him how broken I was. and I asked him to lead me thru the maze.

    That was all I knew to ask. I was lost in a jungle and needed someone to lead me out, into the light.

    That was many years ago, and I have lived thru many heartaches, lost my loved ones, suffered major life upheavals and felt unimaginable pain. Just like we all have. But I don’t hate myself anymore. I am not desolate and lost anymore. I feel the joy of true friendship, and I have learned how to be a true friend.

    Please, my friend, keep pushing on. You will find the light. You matter. You are loved even though you may not believe it yet. There is always a reason to live, just do the next right thing. If you picked that needle up again, put it down again. I cant tell you how many times I tried and failed. But somehow I found a way to try again. You really are worth every effort.

    I would always tell myself , “KEEP PUSHING ON.”

    Please do.

  • The Days of Trouble Begin

    The Days of Trouble Begin

    A guy can be going along so well, everything chugging along, when suddenly; the bottom falls out of the world. Just when it seemed like smooth sailing.

    Is that shocking to me? Shouldn’t be. I’ve felt like Wile. E Coyote many times. This time was different. This time is different.

    Until the day comes that I can speak, I will paint. I will draw. And I will carry the Hurt. But it WILL NOT defeat me.

    Inside I am safe, free, loved, cherished.

  • Where is Captain Jack?

    Where is Captain Jack?

    STUCK IN THE DOLDRUMS…

    waiting for the TIDE…

    There was a song I knew, back in my past life(when I was that other ‘cooler’ girl) entitled “When Will It Rain”. It plays in my head now: I walk on parched ground in my mind, thru a sweltering heat in a huge, empty landscape. Begging for the rain of Creativity to wash this dry spell away, saturate the soil of my aching mind, send cooling rivulets of inspiration into the cracks and fissures…

    In one of the “Pirates” movies, the ship was stuck in the Doldrums. A very real occurrence for sailing vessels, this is a dire situation for the crew as the film depicts. I can imagine their suffering, stuck virtually motionless in the very water that also gave them so much bounty at other times of year.

    Such is my plight as a Bipolar artist. Who knows, maybe all artists, all people, go through periods of feast followed by famine. Maybe I just feel it more acutely, or respond to it differently. This ‘stuckness’ is deadly for me, it frightens me into believing that my artistic talent is gone forever, like a well run dry. In reality, it is natural to experience some down time, it is even recommended to take vacations to ‘recharge’ and ‘renew’.

    I know in my heart that I will be in fire with creative endeavors soon, and I will successfully sail to the next sighted port of call…but my disease tells me I’m dying in this vessel, surrounded by all the paint in the world, and not being able to lift my brush…

    • KODAK Digital Still Camera
    • Passed On©STMartin2010
    • The Hiding Hunter
    • Me, doodle?
    • Susan Past ©STM2018
    • my Isolation Helmet
    • The New Way Home by S. T. Martin
    • MEGAMOONMANIA c.STMARTIN2010
    • peace ever after…
  • AWAY…

    AWAY…

    There are months when I sail along. Then there was April. Ouch.

    Work in Progress: The Old Grove

    Bipolar Disorder has a whole bag of tricks it can put to use on me, it used all of them. I let myself believe I didn’t need more than 3 hours sleep per night. In fact, thot I, I don’t need to sleep for 72 hours…48 is just too easy!

    Spring on the Gulf

    I’m so glad I don’t have schizophrenia. I deal with enough psychosis from insomnia.

    KODAK Digital Still Camera

    I hope to be creating more very soon. Right now I’m working on a little 16×20 landscape , and at the end of April I had entered 5 works into INSIGHTS V. So I’m kind of easing in to new ideas. Let it flow, baby!