Out of the Gutter Art

Category: Fine art

  • Carl, the Wolf Spider

    Carl, the Wolf Spider

    And other Random Thought Balloons

    My Recent Mayan Doodling

       Do you ever wonder if you are sane? I do. Quite often. It’s really relative, if you think about it.(and I do). Because I do have relatives with dementia. But that’s not the “relative” I am referring to. (See what I did there? Pretty clever play on words, eh?)   Reality, Sanity, Imagination, Unreality, Insanity. Don’t they all really depend on what we define them as? Sure, a learned man, a psychologist, these folks really know.

       But for me, inside my mind, I only worry when I have trouble thinking about things. Things in my daily life that other people in my world seem to be able to do, things I struggle with. Bills are a bigee.  Huge issue. I can see the amount I have in the bank, but I just keep sending payments without looking to see if I used all the money up. Like, if I don’t look, then maybe the money will magically cover the payments!

       I don’t think that is sane. Nor is buying ice cream knowing I will eat the entire container, no matter how sick it will make me, which will , in turn,  cause me to be angry at myself. Round and round the Insanity rolls.

    “A THOUGHT MONSTER ESCAPES”

       Do other people dwell on every interaction with other humans they have ever had on a given day? Repeating the scenario and mentally kicking oneself over a mispoken.phrase, a potentially misunderstood glance? Do others wish so hard for a “normal” sleep schedule but deliberately sabotage their efforts by drinking Mountain Dew and eating 6 cups of popcorn at 3 AM? ( Oooh,.that sounds really good, but it’s only 1 am!)

    “Speaking of Yucky Things” c.STMartin2018

       I rattle off a litany of nonsense during my therapy sessions, right after I go over all my real issues,  mentally making note of what pressing issues to discuss…When I hang up all the important points rush back into my brain.

    “the Many Manic Moods of Susan Todd!”
    My Art Lamp!

    LOSING IT !!

      I am ANGRY that I can’t think properly! I want to blame someone for my craziness. Hereditary,  from Dad’s early onset Alzheimer’s. Or the unknown blood donor whose blood I was given at my birth in 1964. That surely did it! What about Mom’s agoraphobia,  depression, hatred of my Dad? Mom’s mom had Alzheimer’s also, and wasn’t there a crazy Uncle? Wait, I’ve GOT IT: my ANCESTRY goes back to the Plantagenets!! Those INBRED ROYALS!!

       I’ll be ok…I won’t give up on trying to be a wee bit better each day at navigating life. I have to go easy on the me that has had 3 major head injuries, resulting in ongoing vertigo and headaches. Post concussion syndrome is a beast. So are the residual effects of years of emotional, sexual and violent abuse that was perpetrated on the child I was, and still am, mentally. Nor to be taken lightly is my Bipolar Disorder and the side effects of the medicines that decrease the symptoms. Or so many other pain issues I deal with daily.

       When I go easy on myself, and take time to reflect on the beautiful gift of life that God has given me. And the undeserved forgiveness and mercy he bestows daily, then my heart is eased and it doesn’t matter quite as much if I have some confusion each day. I am grateful.

     

  • A Message to Myself

    A Message to Myself

    …from a year ago…

     I have been crying again. here, there everywhere. Are these tears sure indicators of a heart? if indeed they are, is it a good one? A kind one? A redeemable one?

     Who knows the answer, but my God. I used to think I knew who I was, I thought of myself at various times as funny, cute, cool. Other times as evil, stupid, ugly. perhaps at the same time

     I just cant find that girl anymore. Perhaps I’m in the Bipolar empty place. the desert I disappear in. Where drifting sand blows over my pale flesh until I cant even find myself. it’s the vacant time that comes when the air is let out of my happy balloon. All the excitement of my recent accomplishments has evaporated, and there is nothing left

    .

     My friend Beverly, who died… she knew when I would come to this place. She was an Air Force Veteran, and she would call me in the morning : “Get up Soldier! Splash some cold water on your face and get over here!” I counted alot on her strength to pull me out of this vapor lock.

    But shes gone, for now.

     I have to find a way out on my own. But then I really already know the way, because she also reminded me that I’m never alone. I always have help. and He is stronger than my heart and knows all things. He reaches down into this dark place to offer me His hand. I dont have to sit here in the dark anymore.

    °Z

     I dont have to be profound, or special. I dont have to be pretty or anything. I just have to trust. He knows me. He knows who I truly am. And He will never abandon me.So I wont give up, or wallow anymore in self pity or loathing. Not now, not tonight. Ok

     I dont have to know my name, or my past, or remember anything except that I belong to God. He sent his perfect Son here to die for me, he loves me THAT MUCH. i know this. And now I feel safe, and loved, and Im not empty nor afraid right now.

     Thank you, Dear God.

  • The Silent Jubilee

    The Silent Jubilee

    My love of saturated color is showing!!

  • She’s Back Online

    SUSAN IS WRITING AGAIN!

    Yay!

    The Artist I. CHICAGO 2023 to attend the INSIGHTS VI Exhibition at the Zolla Lieberman Gallery. For the Benefit of THE RYAN LICHT SANG BIPOLAR FOUNDATION!!

       I’ve had an excellent end to 2023, being the Special Guest of The RLSF when INSIGHTS VI headed down to Palm Beach Gardens in December. It was the greatest honor of my life! And meant ever so much more due to my Brother Eric, his wife Gail and my dear Nephew Christian being in attendance! This was held at The John Surovek Gallery, in Palm Beach.

      I was interviewed by the Writer and Director of the upcoming film “Brainstorm,” a documentary about Bipolar Disorder, she is the Author of the book of the same name. Totally worth reading and definitely seeing when it airs!

       So,.you see the HIGH I was riding as the curtain opened onto 2024’s stage! The sky is the limit, into the great wide open!

    THE FLIP SIDE: STAGNATION BEGINS

    A vision of Lonely Cat Lady future? NOOOO!

       The mental brick wall crashed down rapidly as the year began… but I didn’t recognize it at first. ( A common modus operandi of sneaky, deadly Bipolar disorder). I was exhausted, sleeping all afternoon, no interest in work or play. My dear friend (who I was a caregiver for part-time) suddenly took ill and was gone in a week. Then, the back to back anniversaries of my parent’s deaths in March. My father’s on the 7th, Mom’s on the 21st. Major trauma in my psyche clinging to the violent end of Dad, these 8 years after it. Coupled with the void left of my Mom’s demise; she was the only one in my family who had ever loved me enough to learn about my Bipolar diagnosis: who understood my life’s disastrous course had been symptoms of it, not moral failing.

       As the year wore on therapy helped a bit, but injury and outpatient surgery on my spine and knee just kept me immobilized, as did a bout of Covid.

       A month of unexpected relocation across the state to care for an elderly aunt who was experiencing elder abuse by friends and neighbors caused EXTREME stress, as attorneys and the law were involved to try to keep her safe. Going along with this, I found that she had been victim of a Publisher’s Ckearinghouse scam; a loss of $118,000 dollars. She also purchased a house for a woman who was posing as an RN, who was in the process of attempting to change my poor Aunt’s will by going to her hospital room with a Notary in tow  (where said Auntie was recovering from a stroke). This treacherous poser had actually not informed me of Aunt Betty’s stroke until 15 days after; while  arranging for her to be put on hospice. The hospital had actually gone along with these plans, just on this criminal’s word that my Aunt had no next of kin and that she (criminal) was a real Nurse!!!

    Note:  I was able to make my Aunt’s last weeks of life more comfortable before she had 2 strokes and died. And yes, the awful, lying faker did inherit the house my Aunt purchased, while none of my family got anything. I was saddened, but am now happy to know that the rest of her estate went to The American Cancer Society and Shand’s Hospital.

       Two major hurricanes, Helen and Milton have caused havoc, ripped my carport off and caused me to have to evacuate my home twice in the past 2 months; I belive these are the last of the life-changing occurrences up to now. Whew!

       Writing all this down has allowed me to see how hard this year has been, and I don’t feel guilty for falling short of my goals.

    It had been one bumpy ride!

    Rising from the Ashes!

       I am determined to push on!!! Keep climbing this hill until I reach the summit, keep reaching out for opportunities to get my business off the ground, to get a solo show and even work on grant applications again. Most of all I am getting to work on new art!!

       The deadline for INSIGHTS VII will be here; much to be done!!  I’m ready to face the future with HOPE and JOY!

    The White Stag and the Thistle

      Thank you for visiting!

  • I Better Put Shades On

    The Master Worker
    ,©Susantmartin’24

    The Future Looks BRIGHT!

       Oh boy, I’m very excited. You know I go thru the highest of highs, then crash to the ground? Well, this time I’m doing something good for my future as a fine artist…I’ve been accepted to study classical art under a great Artist: Eduardo Salazar!! I am over the moon! I know it will take years of dedicated study, but I will soar to new heights.,.All the beautiful images in my head will have new ways to be rendered in my hands, with my new skills, new ways of seeing.

    I dreamed, ALL MY LIFE, to study under a great Artist…now , finally, this dream is reality. I hope you will come along on this incredible journey,!

    The Sentinel’s Prayer ©Susantmartin’24

    Tony”s Shuffle, Fin Average

    © susantmartin’24

  • The Song of Leaping Doe

    The Song of Leaping Doe

    a poem, of sorts, by Susan Todd Martin

    The Song of Leaping Doe

    I lie my weary body down,

    Here, on your soft blanket of green.

    Giving my burning bones to the mighty oak that will sprout,

    Here, in the cradle of my rib cage.

    May my sorrow die,

    Here, on this hilltop where I lay.

    May the images of death I see

    Be forever shuttered by your clouds.

    Let blow Your angry winds and

    Pour your rain, Great Father,

    May my sloughing skin

    Nourish this earth that gave me birth.

    Sink me deep in the black dirt, for the insects,

    That feed the mighty bear and her cubs.

    Let the morning sun come up to warm my patch of ground,

    Bringing flowers to feed the butterfly, and bee…

    And as they dance in your sun’s rays of hope,

    May Your heart kindly remember me.

    ©SusanToddMartin2024 All Rights Reserved

    Self Portrait, Pastel, ©Susan T. Martin

  • well, there you have it…

    I’ve been blogging here for years. Fancying myself a regular superstar. But actually I’m not super, I am just Sue, and a regular Sue at that!

    You see, its an odd thing, Bipolar Disorder is. It lies. It tells me I’m so much more important than I really am. Makes me think the world should turn on my command. And this farce is perpetrated without mind-altering chemicals! Inevitably I come to find out that I’m not the be-all and end-all…and pffft…all the air right out of the balloon. Well, whadayaknow. Surprise, surprise.

    Wakey, Wakey!! You are not going to be world famous, Sue. You’re a 60 year old wannabe hippy who was born ten years too late… and your 23 year drug using career kind of put a blip in your wealth management portfolio! Just sayin’…

    Well, anyway, I’ve got my art in 2 Venues here in St. Petersburg this month. At the world famous Five Deuces Galleria, which truly is the best gallery in St. Pete…and simultaneously in the Art at 400 on 23rd Street South, in their show, Metamorphosis. Its the first time their group invited artists in, so I’m happy to be included.

    And my dear friends at The Ryan Licht Sang Bipolar Foundation have our Insights VI exhibition at the FSU campus this month for the first time!!!

    So, Sue, for a late starter you have many, many reasons to be grateful. And after writing this I do feel kind of special, kind of cool… Rock on…

  • In the Works

    In the Works

    A Glimpse of What’s on Deck:

    Regal Bird!

    So many projects to finish and list! It is truly awesome to have made it so far in my Art Journey, but I really must get these pieces on the market! My house is FULL!