Out of the Gutter Art

Tag: recovery

FLASHBACK RODEO
Another Day at the Races

¡TRIGGER WARNING! This post deals with domestic violence, physical assault and ptsd flashbacks. Please use discretion!

Ah, dear husband of mine. How you never leave me. I can remember your last punch like it was yesterday. Dear previous boyfriend; thanks so much for hitting me in the face so hard that you broke the hard contact lenses in both of my eyes. Oh, and for the chipped front tooth.

Dear Ex-Fiance, the lovely memories of you stalking me never leave. I can still hear your trucks engine idling outside my bedroom window at 4 in the morning. A few weeks later you murdered your Dad, and yourself…

And dear Husband of mine, how often I still hear your calling me “Stupid Bitch”, and can still feel your knee across my neck as my vision faded to black. I was sure I was dead, and I was glad. I would never again have to see the evil hatred in your eyes… But no, I wasn’t dead, I had six more years to live with you, memories of being stabbed, shot at and beaten unconscious. Oh, the memories…

   But I’m still here, after all this time. I’m alive, and my abusers are not. Maybe some still live, but I am free, and I am strong and I am beautiful.

   My God saved me from all of them.

   So, when the flashbacks come, and come they do…I know to hold on. Hold on tight to my faith. Hold on tight to what I know is real, and turn off the sights and sounds that rise up to try to torment me.

My God loves me, and has put my feet on level ground. He has given me the priceless gift of a clean conscience, washed clean with the forgiveness purchased thru the life blood of his perfect Son. I am free of the chains of addiction, of abuse, and of my own self-loathing. I am grateful. And free. Today was a hard day, in that the flashbacks came out to play. For whatever reason I was triggered , for a while. But this day is over, successfully lived. I can rest me weary eyes and start fresh tomorrow…

Head in the Clouds c. SusanTMartin2023

   I thank God for relieving me of the abusers, the abuse, the sickness of thinking I deserved the terrible mistreatment I endured.

   It is a good feeling to care about myself…

It has been a long road, including years of therapy and hard work.

   I hope I can help others find the courage to heal.
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06/14/2024
well, there you have it…
I’ve been blogging here for years. Fancying myself a regular superstar. But actually I’m not super, I am just Sue, and a regular Sue at that!

You see, its an odd thing, Bipolar Disorder is. It lies. It tells me I’m so much more important than I really am. Makes me think the world should turn on my command. And this farce is perpetrated without mind-altering chemicals! Inevitably I come to find out that I’m not the be-all and end-all…and pffft…all the air right out of the balloon. Well, whadayaknow. Surprise, surprise.

Wakey, Wakey!! You are not going to be world famous, Sue. You’re a 60 year old wannabe hippy who was born ten years too late… and your 23 year drug using career kind of put a blip in your wealth management portfolio! Just sayin’…

Well, anyway, I’ve got my art in 2 Venues here in St. Petersburg this month. At the world famous Five Deuces Galleria, which truly is the best gallery in St. Pete…and simultaneously in the Art at 400 on 23rd Street South, in their show, Metamorphosis. Its the first time their group invited artists in, so I’m happy to be included.

And my dear friends at The Ryan Licht Sang Bipolar Foundation have our Insights VI exhibition at the FSU campus this month for the first time!!!

So, Sue, for a late starter you have many, many reasons to be grateful. And after writing this I do feel kind of special, kind of cool… Rock on…
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03/12/2024
Cruelty to Humans
Oh, Woe! To the Earth and the Sea!

Oh, my. So much going on in the world today. So many sad stories, War and pain all around us. It can feel so…

HEAVY.

and it is. I feel it, the weight of this life… It’s not killing me today, though. Not like it used to in the Usingtime.

There were days when I believed the pain of living was too much to bear. Days I self-medicated to blot out stark reality; the blinding daylight. Me in my little wormhole of misery, for 23 long years. It’s amazing how, after 24 years of sobriety, I can romanticize the Usingtime.

Self Portrait, Pastel, ©Susan T. Martin

How beautiful I was that night when, slobbering drunk, I danced like a lunatic at an all-night bottle club. Or, how sexy I was when I fell on my butt coming out of a biker bar. Yeah, that was one to remember. Thank God there was no YouTube back then. It’s seared in the “MeTube” of my mind, though. Yeah, those were the gritty days: searing stomach pains from drinking 151 Rum: black eyes and a broken nose from “talking back” to a drunken ex-husband. Hiding my arms with long sleeve flannel shirts in the dead heat of August, while my Mom visited me for 2 weeks. All I could think about was sneaking my next hit.

Reader, “Is this just a sad, depressed jaunt down memory lane? Cause if it is, I have more problems, more sadness, worse pain than that.”

No, it’s just letting you know there is a way out. A way up. To a higher plane, a happier life, a real life with joy and everything! I needed to remember, to remind myself that I’m NOT that girl anymore. I am a new person with a new personality. God saw my pain, He saw my heart and He drew me to Him.

But I had to hit the bottom. Unfortunately, it is painful to stop using. Very. The light IS bright, and in it all your broken parts are visible. But you can’t fix what you don’t know is broken.

Step into the Light, my friend…
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10/12/2023