Out of the Gutter Art

Tag: Peace

  • Carl, the Wolf Spider

    Carl, the Wolf Spider

    And other Random Thought Balloons

    My Recent Mayan Doodling

       Do you ever wonder if you are sane? I do. Quite often. It’s really relative, if you think about it.(and I do). Because I do have relatives with dementia. But that’s not the “relative” I am referring to. (See what I did there? Pretty clever play on words, eh?)   Reality, Sanity, Imagination, Unreality, Insanity. Don’t they all really depend on what we define them as? Sure, a learned man, a psychologist, these folks really know.

       But for me, inside my mind, I only worry when I have trouble thinking about things. Things in my daily life that other people in my world seem to be able to do, things I struggle with. Bills are a bigee.  Huge issue. I can see the amount I have in the bank, but I just keep sending payments without looking to see if I used all the money up. Like, if I don’t look, then maybe the money will magically cover the payments!

       I don’t think that is sane. Nor is buying ice cream knowing I will eat the entire container, no matter how sick it will make me, which will , in turn,  cause me to be angry at myself. Round and round the Insanity rolls.

    “A THOUGHT MONSTER ESCAPES”

       Do other people dwell on every interaction with other humans they have ever had on a given day? Repeating the scenario and mentally kicking oneself over a mispoken.phrase, a potentially misunderstood glance? Do others wish so hard for a “normal” sleep schedule but deliberately sabotage their efforts by drinking Mountain Dew and eating 6 cups of popcorn at 3 AM? ( Oooh,.that sounds really good, but it’s only 1 am!)

    “Speaking of Yucky Things” c.STMartin2018

       I rattle off a litany of nonsense during my therapy sessions, right after I go over all my real issues,  mentally making note of what pressing issues to discuss…When I hang up all the important points rush back into my brain.

    “the Many Manic Moods of Susan Todd!”
    My Art Lamp!

    LOSING IT !!

      I am ANGRY that I can’t think properly! I want to blame someone for my craziness. Hereditary,  from Dad’s early onset Alzheimer’s. Or the unknown blood donor whose blood I was given at my birth in 1964. That surely did it! What about Mom’s agoraphobia,  depression, hatred of my Dad? Mom’s mom had Alzheimer’s also, and wasn’t there a crazy Uncle? Wait, I’ve GOT IT: my ANCESTRY goes back to the Plantagenets!! Those INBRED ROYALS!!

       I’ll be ok…I won’t give up on trying to be a wee bit better each day at navigating life. I have to go easy on the me that has had 3 major head injuries, resulting in ongoing vertigo and headaches. Post concussion syndrome is a beast. So are the residual effects of years of emotional, sexual and violent abuse that was perpetrated on the child I was, and still am, mentally. Nor to be taken lightly is my Bipolar Disorder and the side effects of the medicines that decrease the symptoms. Or so many other pain issues I deal with daily.

       When I go easy on myself, and take time to reflect on the beautiful gift of life that God has given me. And the undeserved forgiveness and mercy he bestows daily, then my heart is eased and it doesn’t matter quite as much if I have some confusion each day. I am grateful.

     

  • I Better Put Shades On

    The Master Worker
    ,©Susantmartin’24

    The Future Looks BRIGHT!

       Oh boy, I’m very excited. You know I go thru the highest of highs, then crash to the ground? Well, this time I’m doing something good for my future as a fine artist…I’ve been accepted to study classical art under a great Artist: Eduardo Salazar!! I am over the moon! I know it will take years of dedicated study, but I will soar to new heights.,.All the beautiful images in my head will have new ways to be rendered in my hands, with my new skills, new ways of seeing.

    I dreamed, ALL MY LIFE, to study under a great Artist…now , finally, this dream is reality. I hope you will come along on this incredible journey,!

    The Sentinel’s Prayer ©Susantmartin’24

    Tony”s Shuffle, Fin Average

    © susantmartin’24

  • FLASHBACK RODEO

    FLASHBACK RODEO

    Another Day at the Races

    ¡TRIGGER WARNING! This post deals with domestic violence, physical assault and ptsd flashbacks. Please use discretion!

    Ah, dear husband of mine. How you never leave me. I can remember your last punch like it was yesterday. Dear previous boyfriend; thanks so much for hitting me in the face so hard that you broke the hard contact lenses in both of my eyes. Oh, and for the chipped front tooth.

    Dear Ex-Fiance, the lovely memories of you stalking me never leave. I can still hear your trucks engine idling outside my bedroom window at 4 in the morning. A few weeks later you murdered your Dad, and yourself…

    And dear Husband of mine, how often I still hear your calling me “Stupid Bitch”, and can still feel your knee across my neck as my vision faded to black. I was sure I was dead, and I was glad. I would never again have to see the evil hatred in your eyes… But no, I wasn’t dead, I had six more years to live with you, memories of being stabbed, shot at and beaten unconscious. Oh, the memories…

       But I’m still here, after all this time. I’m alive, and my abusers are not. Maybe some still live, but I am free, and I am strong and I am beautiful.

       My God saved me from all of them.

       So, when the flashbacks come, and come they do…I know to hold on. Hold on tight to my faith. Hold on tight to what I know is real, and turn off the sights and sounds that rise up to try to torment me.

    My God loves me, and has put my feet on level ground. He has given me the priceless gift of a clean conscience, washed clean with the forgiveness purchased thru the life blood of his perfect Son. I am free of the chains of addiction, of abuse, and of my own self-loathing. I am grateful.  And free. Today was a hard day, in that the flashbacks came out to play. For whatever reason I was triggered , for a while.  But this day is over, successfully lived. I can rest me weary eyes and start fresh tomorrow…

    Head in the Clouds c. SusanTMartin2023

       I thank God for relieving me of the abusers, the abuse,  the sickness of thinking I deserved the terrible mistreatment I endured.

       It is a good feeling to care about myself…

    It has been a long road, including years of therapy and hard work.

       I hope I can help others find the courage to heal.

      

      

  • I Miss My Friend Tonight

    I Miss My Friend Tonight

    This is for You, Beverly…

    My heart hurts.

    I miss your phone calls,

    every morning: 9 am

    Your voice cheerful

    Joking, coaxing me to rise

    To shine-Sleepyhead

    I’m sorry I snapped at you

    Once, maybe twice

    I wish you’d call now.

    I would laugh, and cry

    Happy tears.

    You wanted people to cry

    When you died; it means they love you so

    So I love you so I love you so

    I’d even rub your tiny feet

    And not complain…

    Now you are sleeping

    And you won’t call

    So I will cry, and eat ice cream…

    Because we did that together, you and I

    I will miss you Bevvie Green.

    You are a superstar ❤️

    My Beverly, in Her Favorite Purple Dress

    .

  • Tentacle Memories

    Tentacle Memories

    “The Land of Lost Names”©SusanToddMartin2022($1800.00)

       Slinking out, an arm entwines/ while in my head a dream unwinds /My vision blurs as visions come/ I feel speech slide off my tongue/ It floats away unheard, unread/ I swim out further, the sea my bed.

    “Drowning With Her Baggage”©SusanToddMartin2023($290.00)

    Octo-eel emeralds, such glistening fish/ you filet the flesh, I’ll eat, we’ll wish/ Wish to rise on yonder shore/when sirens’ call can drown no more.

    Someone I loved floats slowly by/ now I feel that last goodbye/ People are beautiful when they drown/ soft hair floats just like a crown/ glorious flaxen, warmest brown. Their clothes billow/ they sink down.

    “Midsummer Midnight” ©SusanToddMartin2022

    Turquoise water-clear as conscience/ I see way back in my past/ teaching me your strange science/ my heartstrings lash me to your mast/ we must batten down the hatches for the tide’s receding fast!

    “Uncommon Tribe”©SusanToddMartin2023($395.00)

    My grief runs to blackened sea/ Do you ever think of me?/ I miss you too, more than the last/ Has any other bait been cast? Will my arms endure this battle ? Will this vessel be rent in two?/ I will never know the answer/ till love runs me through and thru

    “Say No More” ©SusanToddMartin(NFS)

    Rashly taking your deepest dive/ lifeboat saves us, just not alive.

    “Tentacle Memories”©SusanToddMartin2023

    O

  • Hugging You

    Hugging You

    oh, my/ i sigh,

    wisp of memory/ floating by

    an image/ remembering us

    the smell of clean/ oil of olay

    hands warm/ blue veins/ grey eyes

    Oh, my/ i sigh.

    arm in arm/ hand to hand

    laughing again/ I dream

    awake oh!

    awaken my love!

    waiting breathlessly/ drowning sea

    I hug you tightly/ brightly

    Shining / new penny perfect

    Glorious / golden framed

    I whisper your name…

    Awaken my Love!
    I Dream…

    Soon we will finally have peace , enough for everyone, everywhere. No more fighting or hatred. Love will prevail, goodness will triumph. And I will be with my loved ones again.

    So I will hold on, just a little while longer. ALL the prophecies WILL come true. And I will be with you, again. Forever.

  • I Am Grateful

    I Am Grateful

    I started out whiney today…but I was readjusted…

    It’s so easy to forget how far I have come in my Art journey. I wish I could say that I remember to count my blessings everyday, but today, for most of the morning, I was not grateful at all. The things that were inflringing on my serenity seemed so monumental at the time, and I was vocal about it.

    National Park Land, ©SusanTMartin

    The venue didn’t do this, didn’t do that…didn’t recognize HRH Martin, basically…yet I claimed the day before that I was just happy to make my seahorse/mermaid sculpture, and did not care if I won.

    , SI did have legitimate gripes, the primary one being no tent, no shade, no respite from the blazing sun. It was their first rodeo and the poor organizer lady had a zillion things to do, and I believe she tried to snag me a tent. But I completely had a meltdown, and even Mer Sea was starting to lose her cool cause I used a lot of hot glue as fasteners. Not bad tho…

    I’ve carried her in and out of the house and car about 6 or 7 times so far, she’s held it together admirably! Better than me! As I was fretting a lovely young man appeared on a bike and parked it right behind me on the beach. He P I ioo up was there to take his daily swim and clear his mind. Did I say he was beautiful? Well, we struck up a conversation about gratitude, and mindfulness and he reminded be to breath. To look around at the ocean, put my toes in the water. To feel the love of God in the wonders of creation. To be in the present, fully aware.

    So I did. And I felt better instantly.. Up