Tag: bipolar artist

  • Mer Sea the Maid-Horse

    Mer Sea the Maid-Horse

    (And other Oddities)

    Did I ever tell you my nickname as a small child? It was ‘Paper Factory’. Not Kissy Poo, not Huggy Bear…no, it was Paper Factory. The reason being that I was always sitting, round-tipped scissors in hand, with a swath of construction paper scraps strewn around me. It was like the Saturn’s rings, little pieces, big pieces and lots of Elmer’s. Along with buttons and bits of ribbon and whatever small rodent pelt I happened to have skinned off that day…I like fur, what can I say? So, I guess they could have called me Buffalo Bill, or Hannibal Lecter…Paper Factory was strange enough…

    (As a side point, I did not kill the fuzzy little animals, I left that up to Munson the cat. And I especially liked mole fur… )

    Anyway, I liked to build little art items, and I still do. Assemblage. What an excellent word. Assemblage. Not gluing stuff together, not making doo-hickies…Assemblage. Very noble.

    My fondness for construction had few outlets in public school, except for my advanced art class with Mr. O’hara. I hated him for being critical of my work, and I loved him for pushing me to new heights. He sent one clay sculpture I made to a show in New York City, along with some other kids, and he helped me believe in myself. Even if I was a dope smoking, quaalude eating burnout. The aforementioned sculpture was a handbuilt piece, which I built on my own hand, with the palm morphing into a face and the wrist and forearm becoming a cloven hoof, and for good measure, a rat climbing thru the guy’s eye and out his mouth. Or perhaps into his mouth and out his eye. Interestingly, I cut up one of my Dad’s fine Chinchilla fur gloves and glued it to the bull’s leg…I can’t remember if I furred the rat… Anyhow, I was able to hang onto that piece into adulthood till I broke it in one drunken rage, or another. The next assemblage was a piece using syringes I heisted from Mother’s veterinarian stockpile (no needle) and vitamin tablets and capsules from Dad’s medicine cabinet. Adding a razor blade and some baby powder to my collage, and an image of an unconscious teenager, I was pleased with the result, and all Mr. O’hara did was give me an A+ and a raised eyebrow. Unfortunately, the Principal didn’t appreciate low brow art and my masterpiece was removed from the senior art show. (That’s OK, cause the vitamin E capsules had melted…)

    There was a lull in my assemblage repertoire as my scholastic career ended and my addictions progressed. I don’t recall building any art for about 23 years, although I did build a long list of failed relationships, a few arrests and some stints in detox and rehabs.

    Fast forward to 2014…It was four years after my Mom died, after a long depression and inability to create anything but poems, when I answered a local call to artists. I had never shown any art, but this call launched my formal art career and catapulted me into the local limelight. The call was about Treasure. The east coast of Florida, down around Melbourne to Stuart is called The Treasure Coast because of the mother lode of shipwrecks yielding tons of loot. This particular year was an Anniversary, so they wanted treasure themed art. This was for The Best of the Best show at The A. E. Backus Museum, an international juried season opening show. I knew nothing about the significance of any of this.

    My piece was a sculpey carved cat head, which was made in high school 20 years prior , and left out in the garden to moulder. I brought it in, bleached it, and painted it like my deceased Mom’s beloved cat, Munson. As a huge fan of pirate movies when I was a kid, I loved the idea of a treasure chest. So I took all my jewelry, treasured hand-me downs, costume and fine, and proceeded to encrust this cathead like it belonged to the Ali Baba himself. It was a wonderment in its glistening splendor. (no, I don’t have an ego). I even put a rhinestone collar on it and a tag saying, ‘Munson, a Treasured Friend.’ It took an Award of Merit, which was pretty impressive for a first effort. And thusly, my noted career in assemblage began.

    It was the tip of the iceberg, and a flurry of 3-D work ensued. A famous dragonfly made of a discarded patio table, curtain rods, gutters , roof decking and a couple of spaghetti forks came next, and a gutter snipe at it’s heels.

    So, you see, my MerSea the Maid-Horse is part of a history of Assemblage excellence, by a little girl called “Paper Factory”.

    Paper Factory

    PS: Mer Sea’s framework was built in 2015, while I was my Dad’s caregiver. She was all white, with an ironing board frame and wore a prom dress. I kept her in the living room after the show she was in and Dad, in his dementia, loved that horse like it was real. He would pat her on the nose and laugh like a schoolboy. I lost him a few months later. So Mer Sea holds a lot of meaning for me. Seems like everything I create does. But that is as it should be. Because it all began at the feet of the beloved one’s who first put the glue and scissors in my tiny hands. And called my Paper Factory.

  • When Darkness Falls

    When Darkness Falls

    Do you feel creative when you are going through dark moods? It varies with me. There are times when the emotional pain gives birth to profound work, work that could not have escaped the confines of my mind without the catalyst of discomfort.

    “A Wee Bit Peckish” ©STMartin2021detail

    These pieces for me reveal their power in stages; usually I am so drained after a session that I don’t look at the results right away. When I do, it is often in the context of brushing against them during the course of mundane activity. Perhaps I ‘m folding laundry when I glance at a canvas propped up nearbly. Often I am startled by what I see, there are often subliminal messages and issues imbedded in the piece. At times the juxtaposition of pattern can trigger an emotional response, a gut response, if you will.

    I often watch videos about human behavior, and about mental illness, psychiatry, psychology. Always searching for the why, for the trigger, some way to see my defects in a scientific way. Is the answer staring me in the face in my art? Ultimately, I do feel alone in my internal struggles as someone with PTSD and mental illness. I think that is true with all who have been misdiagnosed, misunderstood and mistreated by the medical profession, by friends and even by those we expect to understand the most, our own families.

    “A Wee Bit Peckish”©STMartin2021detail

    Is it any wonder that I obsess? Who else cares about what I feel, really? Who else is in any position to do anything for me, to ease my pain? If I am alone in these four walls an I not then also alone in my own skull?

    In answer, I know there is One who cares. I hope he understands my need to put the pain on the page. After all, is he not the greatest Artist of all? And who would know the inner workings of the machine better than the Mechanic?

    A Wee Bit Peckish©STMartin2021detail

    I can not convey to you in words the full weight, the immensity or the intensity of the battles that rage in me. In my art maybe I can. At any rate, it comes out onto the canvas. If I would not let it pour out of my finger tips, it would pour out of my pores in the night to stain the bedclothes in all the colors of God’s rainbow…

    “A Wee Bit Peckish”©STMartin2021detail
  • “Honey, it’s that Rabbit Hole calling…”

    “Honey, it’s that Rabbit Hole calling…”

    not again, She sighed, heaving herself out from under the bed…

    My description of mania, which I have heard used in similar ways, is that I have squirrels in my head. There is a difference with my particular squirrels though… I hear them. Not always, mind you, and yes, I have told this to my mental health pro’s. Whether they diagnosed this as schizophrenia I am not party to, but I am not concerned. I only hear mine when I don’t take a specific medicine, the rest of the time they quietly shred the insulation of my mind…

    I have been extremely vigilant, in the past 22 years since my Bipolar Disorder diagnosis, in sticking to my medication regimen. This is a big contributor to my continued success at thriving in spite of my illness, but my disease will still, and always try to convince me this is a lie.

    Very similar to a certain someone at the Tree of Life…”you will certailnly not die.”

    Yes, oh yes, I will.

    Ad Infinitum, 28″ x 36″ mixed media on gallery wrapped canvas , ©SusanTMartin2020 (available)

    I have been on the back of a motorcycle going 120 mph, feeling my fingertips loosening their tentative grip on the madman at the helm. Laughing wildly at the heavens and imagining letting go and floating gleefully to my mangled end. Loving this feeling… Seeking this feeling… Living for this feeling…

    Synapse Miss Fire , 16″ x 20″ mixed media on Canvas ©SusanTMartin (permanent collection of the Ryan Licht Sang Bipolar Foundation)

    (Somehow I lived thru this feeling.)

    The lack of sleep, lack of food and lack of coherence was all contributing to this awesome feeling of mastery over my world. Until it wasn’t. When I was unable to scramble eggs because I couldn’t see who was behind me, ready to strike, I was not enjoying the rush. When I spent so many consecutive days in the house that I let my bananas rot in the hot car, I was not enjoying the rush. And when spent all day Tuesday believing it was Monday, and having no clue what I did on Monday- I was really not enjoying any rush.

    I was feeling very close to the edge in the past weeks. Glorying in the dizzying of being out of control, rationalizing that-because of my med compliance- I could enjoy this feeling and allow it to overtake me. After all, I’d been putting out my best work-just look at all my followers and the little hearts they post beside my images!

    Now the wonderful rush was never-ending white noise, lack of ability to concentrate, a blazing headache and dread. Surrounded by an environment closely resembling a battlefield, and right smack in the middle of the war zone this:

    Is she wonderful? Yes, to me she is, and she will do great in the recycled art show she will soon be in. So will this painting:

    And this:

    Working Title : Forgiveness Day ©SusanTMartin2021 WIP

    At what cost, though?

    In Plain Sight/ Insane, Right? ©Susan T. Martin”The Party’s Over”

    I hope that you embrace all the Bipolar Creatives in your world today, let them know they are loved, and that it’s OK to breath once in a while. If they are anxious or behaving like the world is on fire and they want to watch it burn, help them put the flames out and seek professional help. They are sick, not criminal… Give them a place and a way to rest their weary heads.

    I am so glad that I have a support network who love me, and solid pro’s to adjust my meds. I’m grateful God saw fit to let me live today, to feel the sun on my skin and the wind in my hair. And I’m so grateful that I did not let go…

    Living Breezes
  • New Art by an Old Fart

    Ok, not the most flattering of titles, but I’m a wee bit pessimistic today… I was really on a roll earlier in the week. 2 local shows coming up, my work on those was progressing nicely. Also a call for re ycled art for a beach clean up event next month…again, very motivated and well into this endeavor. All’s well on the good ship Lollypop, right?

    …. So, I have the great idea, on the spur of the moment (of course) to get my first covid shot. I had been battling with myself, going back and forth on the pros and cons, many of which have to do with my current, painful health issues, when I made this bold decision. And the fact that they had an opening a few hours away made it easier, too. No time to waffle.

    My energy level was still high when I got the injection, and I came home feeling pretty darn good. I had been selling some ac units that day, and moving a lot of heavy items around the patio. No side effects, I bragged to everyone! I did have a twinge of a headache, but that was just low blood sugar…

    That was Tuesday, today is Friday. I spent ALL Day in bed or on couch Wednesday, and ALL DAY in bed Thursday. I laid awake in agony all night last night, my back and kidney area SCREAMING in pain. Could it be all the lifting I was doing? Absolutely. But other little tics have me thinking about why they asked so many questions on the forms about preexisting painful conditions, and about siezurez and headaches and prior skeletal issues… Hmmm.

    All in all though, I am up out of bed today, creeping around a bit. But I am feeling the pressure of these Calls closing in, and I lost 2 days work. I hope this broken down old body of mine can keep up with this artist’s brain! Onward and upward, mateys!!!

  • STORM BRINGER

    STORM BRINGER

    Let fall Your rain while You shout with mighty Thunder!

    Your heaven’s flash in wrath: white hot and blue!

    May my steed rise to face the dreaded battle-

    my shining sword run Your enemy thru!

    Your Oceans roar and toss the ships like kindling,

    the mighty whale and walrus fight below

    The raging wind destroyeth all before it,

    there is no end to the power Your arm knows!

    Ahh, a stellar day for a rousing poem about fighting for God and righteousness like a knight in glistening armour! I can hear the metallic crash of shield to lance, and the boom of shipboard cannons!

    Maybe I need to watch a rerun of Poldark!! I have been working on a nautical themed commission, that could have my brain on the high seas today. As far as righteous battles go, maybe a news story about an awesome film soon to be released triggered me…it is an attempt to tell unvarnished history, and I can’t wait to see it…”Kill all the Brutes!” I think is the name…

    It will pull the wool away from many an eye!! So exciting!

    Let those waves of change crash on yon shore!! Ride the storm out!

  • Where I am in my Art?

    Where I am in my Art?

    I am Where? In my Art.

        Over here, Over there, everywhere I am, I am.

       Good ol’ Susie made some art-Where art I? Art I? Oh.

       I have never hired anyone to sit for me. My people who people my canvases are The People who people my mind. Here a people, there a people, every where a peep hole, people.

    People . What a funny word, especially when you write it , many times, in the same sentence.

    The same sentence.

    Oh, what a sentence it will be.

    “The Crowd in My Head”.digitally painted paper collage, Susan T. Martin, 2015

    How I do struggle, with all the Angst pushing against the walls of me, like a giant Volcano Person.

    Do you feel me? How can you? I’m over here and you are Way, Way ……..over there.

    This little Ditty is entitled, “The Reckoning”. ©STMartin2011

       I loved my father, my hated father. Oh, how I love him still. He could do no wrong in my eyes. Oh, but how wrong he did. A hater of some, lover of others…my mother? I’m not sure. Sure, they loved. But did they LOVE? 

        I’m sure I did. DID WHAT? loved. Your Father? No! But, yes. But NO , not like that

       I loved him like you love the most beautiful rose-way down in the middle of the thorn bush. So beautiful, so pristine.  20210419_203149SO UNTOUCHABLE, UNREACHABLE, unlovable in his lack of love output. He was so put out, when asked for love. Not as put out as mother, though.cropped-image-4resize-flashback1.jpg

        OH NOOO! Mother was the furthest put out by an outpouring. Oh, no don’t pour it out on HER. Eww, you’re sticky, get your dirty hands OFF… Ew, you are making me HOT! ….Eww, Susan Todd, you are so HUGGY! What makes you so HUGGY?!

      You are JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER. (no, mother!) You are so DIFFERENT from YOUR BROTHER . (but, how mother?)WHERE did you COME FROM? (you, mother?) 

    WIN_20170815_11_19_02_Pro
    Reaching Out, acrylic on canvas, Work in Progress, Susan T. Martin 2017

    Sent from Mail for Windows 10

    Did they really LOVE?

    Do YOU ? Really , Really ??

    “Synapse Miss Fire” ©SusanTMartin2019
    ” Flashback #937″ (detail)©STMartin2018

  • A Lifetime, How Long is It?

    A Lifetime, How Long is It?

    What does forever mean? How long is Always?Will I have time? I BETTER GET BUSY!!!

    A Short but Powerful Bio!

    I go thru cycles. They drive me crazy.

    One day, full of confidence, I march around around the Art’s district like a strutting peacock. Well, a lady peacock. That would be a peahen. (But peahens are drab little wenches…) You get the idea, puffed up, prancing around with my nose in the air. Never mind that I’m rapidly approaching the middle of my lifespan, to put it gently! At the time this is happening, man, I am a real smart cookie, top of the heap. An elevated sense of self, one might describe it…

    “Party Girl”©STMartin2021

    This feeling may stay a few days, a few weeks, a few hours. Or ****pfffft****an instant. In the midst of it I have no sense of “OMG -don’t say that you sound like a fool!” or the milder , “What?!!Have you lost your mind, Susan?”and if I did, I don’t think I could stop me. And if I can’t stop me, nobody can. At least I’m clean today, if that’s any kind of consolation… Come to think of it, that probably makes it worse, not better.

    In Plain Sight/ Insane, Right? ©Susan T. Martin”The Party’s Over”

    If I had been wasted, that might make my odd behavior more acceptable! What an enigma! Wrapped in a dream. It really is going to be OK, though. I’ve felt the embarrassment of rapid cycling moods before, and will again. It’s part of the strange landscape of my bipolar inner world. Like walking on the Moon on acid. (Not that I would know…)

    Nope, Don’t know nothin’ about trippin’…
  • Just Another Artistic Wednesday!

    Just Another Artistic Wednesday!

    Roll on Cupcake! Since this month is designation Sexual Assault Awareness Month, or SAAM, I decided yesterday to work on boosting my Art Health. So often my negative self image creeps into my work…

    I am a big fan of Egon Shiele and his work, and in many aspects feel a sort of kindred spirit-especially when viewing his self-portraits. While my style does not compare to his in most aspects, I find it satisfying to bare my flaws in my art. Also, not being able to afford live models, he used someone he always had on hand, himself. I don’t know about you guys-my work has always included much introspection.

    Egomania? Or just working out deep emotional questions about my own psyche, in order to understand what led me to such despair in my opinion of myself? I lean towards the latter, but recently read somewhere that all artists are egomaniacs. Surely I’m not, I’m too nice!

    After careful study of my shape now that I turned ?7, I have embarked on a new eating/ exercise/living plan, as of right this minute (wiping the sugar-free-butter-free-bland old oatmeal off my little greedy face…) I know that I will feel better, like when I lost 70 pounds in 2013-2014… I had much more energy and my bones hurt so much less!!

    New Life of Hope!

    So, I will probably be a little (more) grouchy, but hopefully much more productive in my artistic endeavors. I have an Etsy Store open again, and some works available right this minute: Get Em’ While You Can!!!(free shipping too, whoo hoo!)

    I have more of my Outrageous Jello Molds nearly finished, they will be up in my shop soon!

    The JELLO MOLDS, revisited…

    We will see where my new endeavors lead, but just for today, I am happy-and hopeful!!

    Things Are Looking UP!!^^^^