Oh Joyful heart, where are you today? From so much light I now feel only pain.
Where did my optimism run away to hide,
Why now this dread that cannot be denied?
She thought she had come away unscathed, from the turmoil, the abuse
…and rage.
But disease was just below the surface all along, and now the Piper must be paid…
Oh senseless one, unreasonable and blind, don’t mind your feeble, fluctuating mind, because as your marbles leave you, they are cast: to the wind and to infinity, at last.
She had packed up all her winter clothes, put away her childhood toys, went to bed under many uncertain memories
The Artist I. CHICAGO 2023 to attend the INSIGHTS VI Exhibition at the Zolla Lieberman Gallery. For the Benefit of THE RYAN LICHT SANG BIPOLAR FOUNDATION!!
I’ve had an excellent end to 2023, being the Special Guest of The RLSF when INSIGHTS VI headed down to Palm Beach Gardens in December. It was the greatest honor of my life! And meant ever so much more due to my Brother Eric, his wife Gail and my dear Nephew Christian being in attendance! This was held at The John Surovek Gallery, in Palm Beach.
I was interviewed by the Writer and Director of the upcoming film “Brainstorm,” a documentary about Bipolar Disorder, she is the Author of the book of the same name. Totally worth reading and definitely seeing when it airs!
So,.you see the HIGH I was riding as the curtain opened onto 2024’s stage! The sky is the limit, into the great wide open!
THE FLIP SIDE: STAGNATION BEGINS
A vision of Lonely Cat Lady future? NOOOO!
The mental brick wall crashed down rapidly as the year began… but I didn’t recognize it at first. ( A common modus operandi of sneaky, deadly Bipolar disorder). I was exhausted, sleeping all afternoon, no interest in work or play. My dear friend (who I was a caregiver for part-time) suddenly took ill and was gone in a week. Then, the back to back anniversaries of my parent’s deaths in March. My father’s on the 7th, Mom’s on the 21st. Major trauma in my psyche clinging to the violent end of Dad, these 8 years after it. Coupled with the void left of my Mom’s demise; she was the only one in my family who had ever loved me enough to learn about my Bipolar diagnosis: who understood my life’s disastrous course had been symptoms of it, not moral failing.
As the year wore on therapy helped a bit, but injury and outpatient surgery on my spine and knee just kept me immobilized, as did a bout of Covid.
A month of unexpected relocation across the state to care for an elderly aunt who was experiencing elder abuse by friends and neighbors caused EXTREME stress, as attorneys and the law were involved to try to keep her safe. Going along with this, I found that she had been victim of a Publisher’s Ckearinghouse scam; a loss of $118,000 dollars. She also purchased a house for a woman who was posing as an RN, who was in the process of attempting to change my poor Aunt’s will by going to her hospital room with a Notary in tow (where said Auntie was recovering from a stroke). This treacherous poser had actually not informed me of Aunt Betty’s stroke until 15 days after; while arranging for her to be put on hospice. The hospital had actually gone along with these plans, just on this criminal’s word that my Aunt had no next of kin and that she (criminal) was a real Nurse!!!
Note: I was able to make my Aunt’s last weeks of life more comfortable before she had 2 strokes and died. And yes, the awful, lying faker did inherit the house my Aunt purchased, while none of my family got anything. I was saddened, but am now happy to know that the rest of her estate went to The American Cancer Society and Shand’s Hospital.
Two major hurricanes, Helen and Milton have caused havoc, ripped my carport off and caused me to have to evacuate my home twice in the past 2 months; I belive these are the last of the life-changing occurrences up to now. Whew!
Writing all this down has allowed me to see how hard this year has been, and I don’t feel guilty for falling short of my goals.
It had been one bumpy ride!
Rising from the Ashes!
I am determined to push on!!! Keep climbing this hill until I reach the summit, keep reaching out for opportunities to get my business off the ground, to get a solo show and even work on grant applications again. Most of all I am getting to work on new art!!
The deadline for INSIGHTS VII will be here; much to be done!! I’m ready to face the future with HOPE and JOY!
Oh boy, I’m very excited. You know I go thru the highest of highs, then crash to the ground? Well, this time I’m doing something good for my future as a fine artist…I’ve been accepted to study classical art under a great Artist: Eduardo Salazar!! I am over the moon! I know it will take years of dedicated study, but I will soar to new heights.,.All the beautiful images in my head will have new ways to be rendered in my hands, with my new skills, new ways of seeing.
I dreamed, ALL MY LIFE, to study under a great Artist…now , finally, this dream is reality. I hope you will come along on this incredible journey,!
¡TRIGGER WARNING! This post deals with domestic violence, physical assault and ptsd flashbacks. Please use discretion!
Ah, dear husband of mine. How you never leave me. I can remember your last punch like it was yesterday. Dear previous boyfriend; thanks so much for hitting me in the face so hard that you broke the hard contact lenses in both of my eyes. Oh, and for the chipped front tooth.
Dear Ex-Fiance, the lovely memories of you stalking me never leave. I can still hear your trucks engine idling outside my bedroom window at 4 in the morning. A few weeks later you murdered your Dad, and yourself…
And dear Husband of mine, how often I still hear your calling me “Stupid Bitch”, and can still feel your knee across my neck as my vision faded to black. I was sure I was dead, and I was glad. I would never again have to see the evil hatred in your eyes… But no, I wasn’t dead, I had six more years to live with you, memories of being stabbed, shot at and beaten unconscious. Oh, the memories…
But I’m still here, after all this time. I’m alive, and my abusers are not. Maybe some still live, but I am free, and I am strong and I am beautiful.
My God saved me from all of them.
So, when the flashbacks come, and come they do…I know to hold on. Hold on tight to my faith. Hold on tight to what I know is real, and turn off the sights and sounds that rise up to try to torment me.
My God loves me, and has put my feet on level ground. He has given me the priceless gift of a clean conscience, washed clean with the forgiveness purchased thru the life blood of his perfect Son. I am free of the chains of addiction, of abuse, and of my own self-loathing. I am grateful. And free. Today was a hard day, in that the flashbacks came out to play. For whatever reason I was triggered , for a while. But this day is over, successfully lived. I can rest me weary eyes and start fresh tomorrow…
Head in the Clouds c. SusanTMartin2023
I thank God for relieving me of the abusers, the abuse, the sickness of thinking I deserved the terrible mistreatment I endured.
It is a good feeling to care about myself…
It has been a long road, including years of therapy and hard work.
I hope I can help others find the courage to heal.
So to jump from that certainty to the current doubtful oldness was , indeed, shocking. How had this vast expanse been so neatly, so quickly and quietly traversed. I leapt straight from the beauty of youth into the straight-jacket of a coffin. Maybe the world still wanted Mick and Johnny; it would not want some old unknown woman.
Why did I WANT the world to want me? Perhaps Cheap Trick knew the answer all these decades on, “I want you to want ME”
“I want you to want me. I need you to need me. I’d love you to love me, I’m begging you to beg me…
This beautiful recycled metal sculpture is available now! It’s in the “Shades of Blue” show in Five Deuces Galleria, which is off of 22nd Street South in the Warehouse Arts District, Downtown St Petersburg. Great Gallery, Great Art, Great Show! And the owners, Geoffrey Barris and Julie Huara are the best Gallery owners. Fine Artists themselves, I am proud to call them my friends, my very talented and famous friends!
I hope you can see this show. The local artists here in St Pete are out-of-this-world talented.
Out of the Gutter Art 
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