Author: ST Martin

…from a year ago…

 I have been crying again. here, there everywhere. Are these tears sure indicators of a heart? if indeed they are, is it a good one? A kind one? A redeemable one?

 Who knows the answer, but my God. I used to think I knew who I was, I thought of myself at various times as funny, cute, cool. Other times as evil, stupid, ugly. perhaps at the same time

 I just cant find that girl anymore. Perhaps I’m in the Bipolar empty place. the desert I disappear in. Where drifting sand blows over my pale flesh until I cant even find myself. it’s the vacant time that comes when the air is let out of my happy balloon. All the excitement of my recent accomplishments has evaporated, and there is nothing left

.

 My friend Beverly, who died… she knew when I would come to this place. She was an Air Force Veteran, and she would call me in the morning : “Get up Soldier! Splash some cold water on your face and get over here!” I counted alot on her strength to pull me out of this vapor lock.

But shes gone, for now.

 I have to find a way out on my own. But then I really already know the way, because she also reminded me that I’m never alone. I always have help. and He is stronger than my heart and knows all things. He reaches down into this dark place to offer me His hand. I dont have to sit here in the dark anymore.

 I dont have to be profound, or special. I dont have to be pretty or anything. I just have to trust. He knows me. He knows who I truly am. And He will never abandon me.So I wont give up, or wallow anymore in self pity or loathing. Not now, not tonight. Ok

 I dont have to know my name, or my past, or remember anything except that I belong to God. He sent his perfect Son here to die for me, he loves me THAT MUCH. i know this. And now I feel safe, and loved, and Im not empty nor afraid right now.

 Thank you, Dear God.