Out of the Gutter Art

Tag: Self portrait

  • Where I am in my Art?

    Where I am in my Art?

    I am Where? In my Art.

        Over here, Over there, everywhere I am, I am.

       Good ol’ Susie made some art-Where art I? Art I? Oh.

       I have never hired anyone to sit for me. My people who people my canvases are The People who people my mind. Here a people, there a people, every where a peep hole, people.

    People . What a funny word, especially when you write it , many times, in the same sentence.

    The same sentence.

    Oh, what a sentence it will be.

    “The Crowd in My Head”.digitally painted paper collage, Susan T. Martin, 2015

    How I do struggle, with all the Angst pushing against the walls of me, like a giant Volcano Person.

    Do you feel me? How can you? I’m over here and you are Way, Way ……..over there.

    This little Ditty is entitled, “The Reckoning”. ©STMartin2011

       I loved my father, my hated father. Oh, how I love him still. He could do no wrong in my eyes. Oh, but how wrong he did. A hater of some, lover of others…my mother? I’m not sure. Sure, they loved. But did they LOVE? 

        I’m sure I did. DID WHAT? loved. Your Father? No! But, yes. But NO , not like that

       I loved him like you love the most beautiful rose-way down in the middle of the thorn bush. So beautiful, so pristine.  20210419_203149SO UNTOUCHABLE, UNREACHABLE, unlovable in his lack of love output. He was so put out, when asked for love. Not as put out as mother, though.cropped-image-4resize-flashback1.jpg

        OH NOOO! Mother was the furthest put out by an outpouring. Oh, no don’t pour it out on HER. Eww, you’re sticky, get your dirty hands OFF… Ew, you are making me HOT! ….Eww, Susan Todd, you are so HUGGY! What makes you so HUGGY?!

      You are JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER. (no, mother!) You are so DIFFERENT from YOUR BROTHER . (but, how mother?)WHERE did you COME FROM? (you, mother?) 

    WIN_20170815_11_19_02_Pro
    Reaching Out, acrylic on canvas, Work in Progress, Susan T. Martin 2017

    Sent from Mail for Windows 10

    Did they really LOVE?

    Do YOU ? Really , Really ??

    “Synapse Miss Fire” ©SusanTMartin2019
    ” Flashback #937″ (detail)©STMartin2018

  • Just Another Artistic Wednesday!

    Just Another Artistic Wednesday!

    Roll on Cupcake! Since this month is designation Sexual Assault Awareness Month, or SAAM, I decided yesterday to work on boosting my Art Health. So often my negative self image creeps into my work…

    A Little Self Absorbed Angst Here

    I am a big fan of Egon Shiele and his work, and in many aspects feel a sort of kindred spirit-especially when viewing his self-portraits. While my style does not compare to his in most aspects, I find it satisfying to bare my flaws in my art. Also, not being able to afford live models, he used someone he always had on hand, himself. I don’t know about you guys-my work has always included much introspection.

    Egomania? Or just working out deep emotional questions about my own psyche, in order to understand what led me to such despair in my opinion of myself? I lean towards the latter, but recently read somewhere that all artists are egomaniacs. Surely I’m not, I’m too nice!

    Like I Said, Nice!

    After careful study of my shape now that I turned ?7, I have embarked on a new eating/ exercise/living plan, as of right this minute (wiping the sugar-free-butter-free-bland old oatmeal off my little greedy face…) I know that I will feel better, like when I lost 70 pounds in 2013-2014… I had much more energy and my bones hurt so much less!!

    New Life of Hope!

    So, I will probably be a little (more) grouchy, but hopefully much more productive in my artistic endeavors. I have an Etsy Store open again, and some works available right this minute: Get Em’ While You Can!!!(free shipping too, whoo hoo!)

    I have more of my Outrageous Jello Molds nearly finished, they will be up in my shop soon!

    The JELLO MOLDS, revisited…

    We will see where my new endeavors lead, but just for today, I am happy-and hopeful!!

    Things Are Looking UP!!^^^^

  • IN the Mirror

    IN the Mirror

    recognizing my BIPOLAR self image

    “A Big Beak”…by Susan T. Martin

    I’m in “Wonderland” right now. Been here for a week or so. Time seems to be inching by, my head too heavy to lift off the pillow. Not sick physically, I’m just…just…what can I tell you? I have had some unknown trigger going me headlong into a timewarp. Into a place I never ever wanted to return to…

    The Recurring Bipolarism of self image…

    Is the reflection REAL?

    My art, from it’s earliest inception, has contained 2 sided faces. Always compelled to create a smiling side juxtaposed to a moody/dark side. Even before I consciously knew the face was symbolically my own, before I had ever heard of mental illness or anyone called manic depressive illness bipolar, I was painting my double sided inner person. I have doodles and sketches from grade school where this manifested…it was a necessary act to portray my protagonist self this way. This was the girl inside of me, who would soon find ways to hide from physical reality in altered states…

    The inner struggle raged on in imagination…detail of “The Sentinel’s Prayer” by Susan T. Martin2018

    After the traumatic events of my young life had begun, my self-image became warped and twisted. My mental despair manifested itself in self harming behavior: anorexia/bulemia, punching walls, suicide attempts…to this day, nearly 50 years after the onset of the abuse, I still cannot eat without feeling ugly afterwards.

    • Susan Past ©STM2018
    • In Plain Sight/ Insane, Right? ©Susan T. Martin”The Party’s Over”
    What keeps me from total despair when the flashbacks and darkness come is knowing and believing that this WILL PASS. The excruciating pain WILL END. I place this fact very deliberately and firmly into by mind every time I recover from these spells and after years of therapy, medication and learning Faith, I have overcome total despair. To RISE AGAIN AND PAINT ANOTHER DAY!!!!! I HOPE THAT DAY IS today!!