Out of the Gutter Art

Tag: freedom

  • Cruelty to Humans

    Cruelty to Humans

    Oh, Woe! To the Earth and the Sea!

    Oh, my. So much going on in the world today. So many sad stories, War and pain all around us. It can feel so…

    HEAVY.

    and it is. I feel it, the weight of this life… It’s not killing me today, though. Not like it used to in the Usingtime.

    There were days when I believed the pain of living was too much to bear. Days I self-medicated to blot out stark reality; the blinding daylight. Me in my little wormhole of misery, for 23 long years. It’s amazing how, after 24 years of sobriety, I can romanticize the Usingtime.

    Self Portrait, Pastel, ©Susan T. Martin

    How beautiful I was that night when, slobbering drunk, I danced like a lunatic at an all-night bottle club. Or, how sexy I was when I fell on my butt coming out of a biker bar. Yeah, that was one to remember. Thank God there was no YouTube back then. It’s seared in the “MeTube” of my mind, though. Yeah, those were the gritty days: searing stomach pains from drinking 151 Rum: black eyes and a broken nose from “talking back” to a drunken ex-husband. Hiding my arms with long sleeve flannel shirts in the dead heat of August, while my Mom visited me for 2 weeks. All I could think about was sneaking my next hit.

    Reader, “Is this just a sad, depressed jaunt down memory lane? Cause if it is, I have more problems, more sadness, worse pain than that.”

    No, it’s just letting you know there is a way out. A way up. To a higher plane, a happier life, a real life with joy and everything! I needed to remember, to remind myself that I’m NOT that girl anymore. I am a new person with a new personality. God saw my pain, He saw my heart and He drew me to Him.

    But I had to hit the bottom. Unfortunately, it is painful to stop using. Very. The light IS bright, and in it all your broken parts are visible. But you can’t fix what you don’t know is broken.

    Step into the Light, my friend…

  • Bear With Me!!

    Bear With Me!!

    As I Forge New Territory!!

    Dear Readers and Friends,

    I’ve had a presence here for a long time. Going on 16 years, which is mind-blowing! And I still havent learnd all I can do here! I wanted, for a long time now, to set up a store where I could sell my art. Something always holds me back… Excuses, lack of confidence…life in general.

    I recieved a scholarship for a 10 week “Art Business” course from the Tampa Bay Innovation Center and Creative Pinellas. I have learned so much, and have taken the plunge and registered a LLC. Oh boy. Exciting! and Terrifying! I will have to be all grown up now, and quit farting around!!

    So I am starting a whole new site, with a new domain, user name, everything…I will try to still post my “hardcore” art here, all the strange stuff that pours out of me onto whatever media is at hand!

    But for my “real” Art Business I am going to make what sells here in Beachy, Touristy Florida. Hopefully I will make it. I will sure try!

    I’ll come back here and let Y’all know when the other site is ready, and I will still share my witty wisdom here. Thank you all so much for being here to support me, to listen when I need an outlet, and to be here! Rock On my Friends!!

  • I Am Crushing It

    I Am Crushing It

    Endless reality,

    it’s always here- even before I open my eyes. Reverberating. Agonizing in it, I try to back away from it, back into my dreams. It is futile. The reality encroaches, angry at being left waiting.

    . My eyes reluctantly open, brows already furrowed. I will certainly have that deep furrow between my eyes soon, like Mother had. I probably have it already, just cant see well enough with these old glasses to notice it.

    KODAK Digital Still Camera

    It is time to arise, fight to my feet, let the outside air in, feed my little animal friends. a day awaits, full of promise, if only I look past the physical realm, into the spiritual. This is a choice, a new choice I will make every day from now on, as long as I am able to open my eyes. will I succeed every day? No, I’m sure I won’t. But I can decide, at any point in my wakeful state, to turn to my Higher Power and ask for help.

    I can remember when Sobriety was new to me, and being without drugs or drink felt like walking with nerves on the outside of my skin. The day to day grind seemed impossible, but I made it. For each day of the last 24 years I have made it, one day at a time. I will make it thru this pain , now.

    KODAK Digital Still Camera
    KODAK Digital Still Camera

    I have different “visions ” I hold close, no, not some profound spooky kind. I mean real images that I have seen that take me to a calm and happy place inside myself. I had so many horrific experiences foisted upon me in years past that I took these memory “snapshots. One of these is from lying on my back in our Florida backyard, under this HUGE oak tree. Lying there , looking up thru the leaves and branches, to the bluest of blue skies, and the whitest of white clouds sailing past. when I am having a procedure or operation done, I put this vision right in front of my closed eyes, letting it play like a beautiful movie.

    There can be no fear or pain then. It cant get in.

    Lavender Moon, c.2016STM
    Moon Halo 2, C. Susan T. Martin

    Tonight it was good for me to find this old draft. I started writing it back in 2022, and had left off at the sentence about my furrowed brows. I decided that I can change that narrative, make this post not about pain, but about COPING with it. sometimes all it takes for me to feel better is a teensy shift in vantage point, to where I’m not focused on my reflection, but rather focused on the enormity of this glorious Earth, and the loving Creator who made it for me.

    I have new endeavors ahead of me now, an opportunity to start a business, and I am running with the ball this time. There is So much life left to live, love to share and beautiful art to create. Pain is temporary…love is eternal.

    Maybe something I have shared has touched you in some way, a good way, I hope. I wish you the very best.

    Keep Pushing On!