Out of the Gutter Art

Tag: sobriety

  • Back to the Story:

    IT’S HOT, I’M TIRED..

       Night fell, and we were ready by Burt’s golden chariot. What an amazing vehicle it was. Huge, glistening, bearing his name proudly on the door in script as the owner/operator. This was no drugged-out short-timer. No, Mr. Burt was the real deal, hauling real steel. A true gentleman, he helped me up into the cab. Awkwardly, we loaded Spicedog, and then Danny swung aboard. I sat in between the men, and a bit behind. This truck was a castle compared to the first, and Burt took pride in his home on the road. His wife’s picture held pride of place on the dash, a buxom woman with honey blonde hair who smiled warmly at the camera.

       Danny and Burt hit it off, so I curled up in the back with Binky Boots Bouncer Callahan, my calico kitten. This was really an amazingly laid-back kitty, maybe because life had become crazy at such a young age for her, she just adapted. Danny had fashioned a tiny harness and leash for her, made of shoestring, it seemed to work well. I slept, hard, the exhaustion of the past 5 days felt like a month. When I woke we were rolling into Las Cruces.

       As we rolled into a lot for the night, the truck stop offered showers, and food. We had been dependent on the kindness of strangers, and although I tried to hide from God, I think he had mercy on a pair of delusional addicts. In retrospect,  the fact that we were never accosted or assaulted thus far was miraculous in itself!

       Our time with our generous friend was soon to end, another day saw us entering Arizona. New Mexico had been dry, but mild during the day. In this climate the temperatures plummeted after the sun went down- well began layering our sparse choices of clothing.

      Our bond as a couple has faced challenges, yet our love and dedication to each other and our little family remained intact. This was in spite of withdrawals from shooting up cocaine, and staying drunk 24/7. My mind had cleared, my health and stamina had improved on our journey.

       All these changes for the good would later be sorely tested. For now though, our future seemed hopeful, and our days were full of excitement and freedom. I was finally actually seeing the beautiful landscape, and a few collect phone calls to my Mom meant that soon we would have a few dollars for necessities. My relationship with my parents was far from good, the heartache travelled even through the telephone lines. This made me cling tighter to Danny, to my growing kitten and our faithful pup.  We would make it, I felt more sure than ever…

  • The Healing

    The Healing

    and The “Salvator” Mommy

    . (And THE LAVENDER CAT!)

    Being still is very difficult for me mentally. Having a racing mind is the natural state of being for me, anything else is alien and uncomfortable. If I’m flitting about inside I can leap away from my disturbing thoughts as soon as they appear- it’s a constant dance to keep the wolves at bay. My faith has helped tame the beasts lurking my memory’s deeply scarred terrain, knowing that there is a force for good stronger than the pull of caustic quicksand that daily tries to suck me in.

    Here is the divine painting now!

    I will dance this mental quick-step until death swallows me, the wounds of prolonged sexual abuse and violence are the deepest kind, years of therapy have given me some tools to offset the devastating effects of PTSD a bit. My Bipolar Disorder causes my synapses to fire differently than “normal” folk, this is proven by science, I believe this is a reason I am plagued so frequently by the flashbacks and memories.

    me standing tall at the recent ART HEALS show at The Arts Exchange, St Pete, FL.
    USA

    My art is my outlet to “talk” about my inner world, it facilitates compassion and understanding in some viewers. Others will still judge my moral failings, and when these judgements slap me in the face I am better able to stand rather than crumble.

    I recently was assaulted by an attempted character attack, called a liar and thief to my happy face-dashed by a loved one’s belief that I was still the person of 22 years ago when my addiction raged. It stunned me, unhinged me for a time- but I am bouncing back; hurt but not letting these untruths detail my sanity completely.

    . This is all I can write, the healing is still in progress. Thank God for my loving friends in high places who know my inner heart and the fact that 22 years of sobriety, therapy and spirituality allowed me to leave that dishonest personality long ago.

    A Quote in the INSIGHTS IV catalogue
    Me and Joyce Sang, co-founder of The Ryan Licht Sang Bipolar Foundation, and my featured piece, Deep Running(framed in an acrylic box to highlight BOTH painted sides of the canvas!)

    I will paint and create art that reflects my journey, this soothes my troubled mind and gives me the most relief. Thank you so much for your continued support on my artistic journey

    “Salvator Mommy” Savior of Cat’s and Bipolar Daughters, Acrylic on gallery wrapped canvas
  • A “No” Blow to the Ego!

    A “No” Blow to the Ego!

    Did it hurt? No, of course not. (well, just a wee bit, maybe…)

    Oh, the joys of waiting to hear if you got the “Call”. That’s what we artists refer to when we apply for a chance to get into a show, or to paint a mural, or design a sculpture, etc. It’s a process fraught with anxiety, not for the faint of heart. Not for the empty of pocket, either.

    This last one did not cost me anything to apply to, which was good, because I did not get it. I am always disappointed when I don’t get in a show, it is a fact of life in the art world. I am becoming a bit cynical and jaded about this. I find myself making snide remarks(to myself) about favoritism and prejudice, and I don’t like this kind of negative thinking. On the one hand I think it’s just a self-soothing mechanism-if I say the process is unjust it means that my work really is the best. That I really should have been chosen.

    Work in Progress for past 3 years!

    I don’t think this is a good way for me to look at it. This kind of attitude will just make me negative about the whole process, the art community as a whole, and make me just as prejudiced as the people I am judging. Don’t think I’m saying what anyone else should think or feel, I just know how my quirky little mind works. My father spent his life feeling jaded and cynical about “the System”, and it reached the point where no one wanted to hear him go on about it.

    I mean, just think about how the poison could seep into my art. If I’m second guessing the judges then maybe I will not try as hard, not push myself. Perhaps I’d rather not try, because they “don’t like me”. Or “they won’t pick me anyway.” Or “they only choose the society types”. If I let those thoughts in then my wings stay folded and I don’t try to fly, even when the cage door is open.

    Fly birdie, fly!!!!

    No, I didn’t get the call because someone else did. Period. No trying to mind read. No presuming I wasn’t chosen for a reason. How about remembering all the times I have been chosen, when another artist got passed over. Or how about knowing that my work is excellent, but different than what the judges were looking for.

    I must create my best work no matter what the call, or even if there is NO call. My art comes from a deep and secret place far inside, not to be pissed out at the whim of a stranger. Sure, a call may motivate me, but ultimately my satisfaction must come from creating.

    I remember being a little kid in art school, hiding my drawing from the other kids, because my work was so special that I had to protect it. I didn’t hide it because it was not good, I hid it so they could not copy it. It was the most special thing about me, a super power before any one knew about superpowers. I could make up any little dream and put it on a page and no one else could ever do it the same way. I wish I had a nickel for all my little fantasy doodles. I’m smiling as I remember.

    I drew for the sheer joy of watching my inner world pour out the tip of my pen. I inhabited those secret worlds, where I was always “ok”. I did not need a prize, a ribbon, a write up in the paper. And the wonderful thing is that I still don’t need it. Over the past seven years that I have been showing my work my focus had turned to the idea of money. Making money from my art.

    Not because I needed it, but because I am supposed to want that! I bought into the sales model. The websites that shout at me to join this or that marketing plan. Sell your art here! Make 5 grand a week! Be your own boss! While focusing on the money I began to sweat the call results. Did I get in to that show? What is the payout? How are the prizes broken down? What a bunch of joy-squishing nonsense!

    I could see trying to make an impression on my Dad, but I knew he would never see me even when he was alive. Well, he sure can’t see me now, so I can quit trying to impress the family with my wealth ! I’m so glad we had this talk! Thanks for listening!

    (No, I did not get the “Call for the Wall”, but I now have the coolest spare bugroom, um, bedroom, in the entire city !)

  • A Saint Petersburg Artist Resident

    A Saint Petersburg Artist Resident

    It has been an enormously trying year and one half, year and 8 months , actually. I have grown SO much since I have lived here in St. Petersburg, I have learned to believe in myself, and in my ability to survive.

    As An ARTIST.  In my own right, I have put in the footwork, stretched my boundaries, made the connections, painted the dreams, and PUT MYSELF OUT THERE! 

    Wow!!!  I mean , WOW!

     

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    After  All the Fear, Loneliness, Grief, Doubt, All chaining me down and holding me back… I did the impossible. I used my art and with God’s unfailing love, have set myself free! Yes, He saved me from the pit, and put my feet upon a crag, and then I, Susie, Sue, Susan Todd!cropped-c4c4baeb-e0d8-4b76-89a0-c5fbe582a12c.jpg

     

    picked up the tools I gathered over the past 40 + years, and put them to Use! Hacking off the dead pieces, digging down to fresh clean soil to build this life on. This BEAUTIFUL LIFE, This Sensitive Life, This life of Love.

    A life of true purpose and meaning… I am SO grateful, and full…I may just burst into a ball of colorful confetti!

    I know it was not all me, but you know what?

    I COULDN’T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT ME!74AE89DF-B621-4273-B7EB-7D51034CBCF2

    So here is my tooting of my own horn, soaking up the satisfaction of a job well done and a future of hope and joy!

    I am very proud to share that The Morean Arts Center in Downtown Saint Petersburg, Florida, has granted me the honor of a little pop up show in their beautiful facility! A show that features my art, my way, my innermost feelings, fears and flashbacks all on canvas, and OUT of me. So that I can help someone else see that you CAN have a life after violent sexual assault. After  molestation, after rape, after domestic violence, after ALL the trauma … you can still find your own voice under all the rubble, and you can stand up, on your own again!

    Yay.514BB3D2-438B-445D-AE5A-692C60081029

    I want you to know that you can recover, but you must work at it and be steadfast in your desire to rise from the ashes of whatever you have experienced. I was surrounded by a family who never wanted to discuss what happened to me, and who treated me like I was touched by some uncleanliness. As if the person I was inside was somehow changed. Soiled. Ruined.

    I stand up today, that same child, that same teenager, that same woman and I shout from the treetops that I am clean, and loved, and strong, and Beautiful! I am NOT what happened to me. I am a whole, healed  woman. And I am an ARTIST.cropped-artwork-and-pictures-056.jpgcropped-win_20161110_20_51_35_pro-5.jpg80B2AA6A-B993-41D9-AC94-BE325A4F596C

    “A Big Beak”(detail)©STMartin2019
    UNCHAINED, UNCUFFED, Mixed Media on Board, $400.00 (Available)
    Flashback 937, mixed media on 28″ x 24″canvas, by Susan T. Martin
    Legacy of Lunacy, Mixed Media on Canvas, 24″x 28″, $500.00 framed, (available)
    The Waterplant, mixed media on canvas by Susan T. Martin
    We’re All Innocent, mixed media on 36″ x 24″canvas, by Susan T. Martin $400.00
    my Isolation Helmet

  • “Open Sea” and Exquisite Aloneness

    “Open Sea” and Exquisite Aloneness

    This was a big endeavor for me, and I believe I have painted at least three different paintings in the course of 2 years on this one canvas…That can be one of the downfalls of being ocd and bipolar, when I can’t let a thing be good enough or ever done.

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    Open Sea, acrylic on canves,by Susan T. Martin 2018

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    Detail of “Open Sea” with digital edit

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    Open Sea , By Susan T. Martin, acrylic on canvas. I tried to offer some perspective on the size of the work… I will post actual size soon.

    So, here is the latest thought, the most beautiful and sad faced bird, and one that has had bestowed upon it men’s dreams and mankind’s heartbreaks, the Albatross…, I feel like this animal knows me, that she mirrors the exquisite alone-ness and yet oneness with all that I feel so often.

    i REMEMBER SO VIVIDLY THE EXHILARATION OF BEING OUT ON THE OPEN WATER, THE SALT SPRAY KISSING MY FACE, AND NOTHING BUT THE GREAT EXPANSE OF SEA AND SKY SURROUNDING ME.

  • Art on the Island 3-D Art Show

    Art on the Island 3-D Art Show

    win_20170212_14_16_52_proI was so thrilled to have 2 of my sculpture/assemblage pieces on display! As a new member of the Vero Beach Art Club, I was able to have my work in this exclusive show, and am so happy it was well received! I was not permitted to photograph any art except my own, which was disappointing but understandable to me, so I can’t share the other Phenomenal Artwork displayed. I saw AMAZING THINGS!, and am more motivated than ever to continue striving for my own best work…Onward and Upward!!  win_20170212_14_17_10_proOnly the foreground artwork, entitled “Lunar Rover” and assembled from a discarded floor lamp, broken concrete block, an antique German hunting horn, and many, many thing-a-ma-jigs, and whos-it-ma-bobs. The piece was well recieved and is still available for purchase! c.SusanToddMartin2017

    I also showed “Munson, a Treasured Friend”, which you have seen posted here multiple times. (I’ll post it one more time as it is still available for purchase. (A little background on “Munson”: I sculpted this Cat Head originally from a block of molded fine concrete, using traditional chisels. This was then coated with sealant and then painted with acrylics to match the markings of my mom’s beloved cat of 20 years. He was then decked out with treasured heirlooom vintage and costume jewelry, including semi-precious gems, gold and sterling. Each piece meant something to me, hand me downs from dear, departed loved ones and friends. I made this sculpture for a local art show, which required entries to be “treasure themed” , celebrating the “Treasure Coast” here in Florida. This area is so named for all the shipwrecks discovered off the coast of Vero Beach, Fort Pierce, Port Saint Lucie and Stuart, these vessels laden with gold and treasures gleaned from North America and destined for Spain and Europe.

    My creative process for this piece included images from old pirate and Sinbad movies, where chests full and overflowing with glistening jewels were depicted. These movies filled my childhood dreams, as did an unshakable love of my mother, who was my greatest treasure, and who I had recently lost to Cancer.

    In turn, Munson was her treasure, ever a comfort in her troubled life, who lay by her side, faithfully, as she fought , and finally succumbed to cancer.

    I hope you enjoy Munson, knowing, as you now do, how much love he carries beneath all his gleaming sparkles!

     

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    Sorry about the sound, I’m not sure why it buzzes. It does not do that when I view the video in my pc’s media app… But enjoy this anyway! (please, and Thank You!)