I was pondering a lesson today in oil painting class…that being: It is OK to ruin a painting when you are a beginner. It is ok for your starting efforts to fail, not turn out as you had hoped, to basically be terrible. And the teacher made this comment: “You don’t expect your first efforts to be museum-worthy, do you?”
An easy question to answer, right ?
“No, of course not…Who would think that!!?”
Herein lies the rub…I DO think so, and I have always thought so. Strange, huh? It is SO unrealistic, and intellectually I understand that. But emotionally, well that’s another story.
The teacher went on, ” Just as an author does not think things he wrote in primary school should win a Pulitzer…”
“How absurd!”
And you are right, it is. But that does not negate the fact that I think this way. I can tell you, right now, face to face that I understand my mediocrity. But in my head, I really AM that good.
Again: I do. I have always thought my every word, stroke of a pen, swipe of a brush was somehow so profound that I should save it, and one day bask in the glory of being it’s creator.
So, where does this lead? It brings me to the unavoidable conclusion that I am delusional. And as such I exhibit a very common facet of the mental illness of Bipolar Disorder I suffer from; Delusions of Grandeur.
It kind of slapped me across the face, this truth. It doesn’t mean I’m not a good artist, it’s all relative, really. Sure, I’m not a formally trained artist, but many enjoy my work. And I create art because I MUST. It is as natural as breathing to me. But the thought that it is ok to be less than the best is very freeing.
Until my Bipolar Mania takes the freedom away. Then I believe I am Michelangelo’s great, great, great greatgreatgreat, granddaughter. And that I am Great !!!!
That’s not such a bad delusion, as long as I don’t say it out loud.
Out of the Gutter Art 